The Blog of vermillion44863

Well I just got back from my meeting with the dr woman today. I still felt a lil awkward. I came clean bout the wanting to get thin thing and told her a bit bout that story. We didn't really have much to talk about. I didn't know what to say or even where to start. Even though I feel I'm in a bit of a better place emotionally family wise, I think bringing it up would still have me in tears. I think I should make jot notes for her. I need to help her help me. I feel theres a fear I have that I haven't found or am aware of that's holding me back. For the first time ever I don't know what it is.

Been getting a mad crush on the boss. The one who I thought was gay but just turned out to be a good dresser. I've been confused about my feelings for him lately. Anytime he says hi to me I blush and smile and can't seem to get even a "hello" out. I still flirt with the other team leader on occasion. He's a lil strange. Some days he'll make sure I notice him and talk, other days he'll be distant then be back again the next day. Last time we talked he led me to the end of the hall in this mini room thing and took his shirt off to show me his tattoo after I showed him a sketch I did in an art class I went to not long ago. Found out he used to go to art classes as well. I like art class but I feel I can't reach my full potential through that medium. It's a great stress reliever though. Was surpised I was able to draw something. I may possibly still wanna try singing though. If not that I'm not sure what.

I see the dr woman again on monday. I wanna say certain things but I don't want tabs secretly placed on me either. But she so happened to know about me going to the hospital for that cocaine incident so who knows what else she already knows. Ah well.

I still think bout Evan off and on. I'm not ready to talk about him to that dr woman yet. I don't want to move on and forget so soon. Even though a part of me knows I deserve better. How he made me feel is what's addicting. Almost falling asleep here. Write more later.

K yea I'm not preggo. Been working, keeping busy. I'm trying real hard to hold it together. I feel a wreck without Evan.

For soemessed up reason I freaked myself out reading some random articles about women's health and found out that women sometimes do still get a "period" even if there pregnant, not an actual period but vaginal bleeding and sometimes you can't tell the difference. I still haven't been feeling too well as of lately and since I couldn't stop puking for such a long time I felt it was more than a flu. Likely just me psyching myself out and worrying over nothing. I bought a pregnancy test finally. I'm almost comfortable not knowing then actually knowing and having to possibly deal with the outcome. Alright, just gotta wait till I can actually pee now. Wish me luck

For the better part of the past few days I've been thinking of Evan. I tried to text him but I forgot his number. Been talking to a few different guys lately, figured I woulda been over him by now. I should be down about not having talked to this last guy. No matter how many guys touch me or whisper in my ear, it's not Evan.

Feel bit better today. Still tired as hell. Water heater broke so getting a replacement today. Landlord came over soon as I called. Nice guy. Brother also called, wants help with chipping in on my moms alternator for the car. Was supposed to talk to my other brother bout chipping in but when I called he didn't sound too happy, my mom left his house 10 min before I called, can only imagine what she told him.

I still feel so restless and directionless in life. I wish I could sleep for 5 months and just think.

I've decided to just move on. A response to my being stumped was that maybe I have a feeling that he's a jerk since I felt the need to ask to begin with. Seemed to really click. Another guy messaged me today, someone I used to go to highschool with. Not an interest but helped keep my mind off it for a few hours.

I am sick again and managing to drive myself crazy inbetween vomiting. He's in my head again cause each time I come online or look at my phone he's Iming me or texting me but he won't call for some reason. I never bothered to ask him cause I honestly think I'd feel a lil weird talking to him after the sex. Not sure why. I almost kind of like this spot. How he can be him, I can be me, but we still keep in contact few times a day just to let each other know we're alive. Nothing of importance but a presence seems to be almost enough. Before stuff got weird he told me how he was interested in my life and how I should write a book. I may for once try to actually start. Even though he may not know it but I feel this is the kind of relatonship I need. Freedom to do and live my life, while still knowing someone is behind me even though they may not be physically here. That's likely what he's not intending but I wouldn't have seen it any other way if he hadn't, accidently or not. Maybe he is a lil too much like me. He has a kinder heart though.

I'm driving myself crazy wondering if I should go with my head or my heart. He's too much like me. We still talk but feels like theres an elephant in the room we're trying to ignore. I hate second guessing myself.

K i'm finally starting to feel less numb rather than just nauseous. Talked to my mom, acts like nothing happened. Turns out I caught the flu from her since my brother and his wife were sick and she said she was feeling ill. How nice of her to come and share her sickness with me.

I also cut contact with whatshisface. I banged him on the first date, it is what it is, nothing can really take away the fact that I screwed up. I took him off messenger, deleted his text messages, got him off facebook. I'm not gonna go through all this again and keep banging a guy in hopes it turns to something. At the time I had a choice to say no and not go through with it. At the time I also needed sex more than complications and obligations. Going without for a month and a half seems way too long for my ego. Sucks how I was really comfortable with him even though I promised myself that I was too ashamed of my body to have sex with someone spur of the moment again. He's exactly like me, except for outgoing, I'm exactly like him except more introverted. All the things inbetween match up perfectly. Oh well.

I still feel numb. Not really thinking bout much of anything. My mom tried to call me yesterday, I didn't answer her call. Am also trying to forget about that dude. He was wondering what my flaw was and guess he found it. I'm not gonna waste time doing small talk. Sex is supposed to bring people closer but he's being distant and doing just enough connecting for me not to get pissed. For now I've blocked him on msn, also gonna ignore his texts and calls.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be in a meaningful relationship. it's almost worth it to let someone go rather than connect and find there's nothing there or even just plain old getting a heart broken. Most of all I have nothing to offer.

Anyways. Had to call in sick again. likely to get fired soon but I actually really needed this day. I've been puking since I got up at 5am and it's now 3:19pm and am still feeling a lil off. Slept for 2 hours, finally stopped puking for now. Haven't even been able to hold any water down either, it sucks.

I'm not sure what to say cause I don't know where to start.

-Had a date over last night

-Mom comes to the door cause her call stalled and was having a breakdown

-I call my brother to pick her up

-She makes me feel guilty about wanting a private life

-I get weird, my date sense this

-I decide to try and get my mind off my mom by drinking heavily and doing drugs, acting out

-Acting out involved fucking my date and completely ruining what I had going

-Went to see a psych today to do an overview before we dive right in. I thought it was going to be a one session thing but nope.

-I'm currently sleep deprived and stressed, weed and scotch isn't helping and work is tomorrow.

-My 2nd appointment is December 1st. Hope I can wait that long

I felt a bit rough yesterday. Mostly cause after work I was feeling alright and was fine with my mom dropping by. I come home and find she used her key and made herself at home. I didn't really much for that. While we were out shopping she was about to say something that was really hurtful. I knew what she was gonna say and een the fact she was just about was enough to really hurt me. I'm really sensitive about a physical feature of mine and I was debating on buying a turtleneck sweater and she said "you should it'll hide your.." then she stopped, I know what she was gonna say and the fact that she even thought it was hurtful.

Just when we were getting so close and finally getting along she does this. She dropped me off at home and came inside and helped me unpack a bit, I kept telling her that I have to go to bed to be up at 4am, she still stuck around and was pissing me off acting like this was her house. I told her to leave her key on the table when she goes. Of course she sleeps on the couch. Knowing I'm so sensitive in the morning and hate being disturbed she deicides to do her dramatic exit of throwing the key on the table and slamming the door on the way out without saying anything when she could have easily left last night. Once I invite her in she just goes too far.

I talked to my dad today. I felt a bit better, talk bout the same old stuff. I had to call him of course, him and his new wife keep on asking me to come visit. I might actually think about it.

My doctor kept his word and got me in to see a psych. She called me today and said a few people cancelled on monday which is my day off work so am glad that it worked out. Instead of wasting time I think I'm gonna try and write down all the issues I really want to get off my chest. Mostly how to deal with my mother.

Just one more day of work tomorrow then the weekend! yay!!! am so looking forward to taking a legitimite rest. Got paid today, almost tempted to buy drugs but would rather pay into the visa and save some cash for rent at the end of the month just incase.

I don't feel much this morning. Thank you Ativan *huge smiles* wow that took a lot of energy. I still feel tired but less a mess about having to go to work. The doctor wants to help me get through this so he's recommending me to a psycologist or psychiatrist, I can't remember. I'm not sure what to think about it. I feel I have a pretty good grasp at things and am a bit cynical that someone else can point out my main issues for me when I have a hard time figuring myself out. For some reason I keep trying to cram all my issues into a box, that way if it has a name I can deal with it better. Something tells me I may never get a name for all that's wrong with me. Worst case scenerio I get more names than expected but on the plus side I'd have an idea of how to deal. People say to celebrate the differences of people as much as you can, but why brand someone with a personality disorder who sees things a lil differently. I guess it may be hard for someone to find a relationship with another if that person is trying to mix with generic "medical friendly" personalities. Too much thought for the morning, I'm getting a headache

Went to the doctor after work today and got some lorazepam. Started feeling way too anxious and don't wanna risk anymore than I have to cause of it. Today I also got the boss's number. Of course my boss got it for me but before I left work I finally had the balls to penetrate his aura of astounding confidence. I just thanked him for taking care of the situation and he looked at me and said "it's no problem at all if you ever any problems or anything outside of work don't hesitate to call me" and then he smiled. That was the longest I have ever kept eye contact with someone without either of us nervously looking away or making up some cheap excuse to part. Smoothest interaction I've had with someone in awhile, short but meaningful to me. I feel like such a dork for saying that lol But now that I have his number I pray I don't accidently drunk text him, I pray I pray lol He's cute. I used to think he was gay but then after watching him for awhile I've come to the conclusion that he's just Portuguese with really good fashion sense.

Now that I have some ativans work should be a lil more interesting. I think I was in a manic mood today, was a bit hyper. The dumbest things would make me laugh. I actually started paying attention to the old people I'm talking to and realized a lot of em are heavily medicated with a legal speed type of drug. "I'm ca-ca-calling to order some valances....there on for cheap...it's a good sale..I love the color..let me find more in the catalogue...hold on a second..wow these pages are so soft..oh here we go wow I love that white..I should splurge and get 2. do you sell leg warmers?" Sounds funny when you imagine them saying all that within a span of 15 seconds. If they lived closer to me I'd be tempted to call em after work and maybe ask where they got a hold of those, sounds like those pills are quite fun, aside from the teeth grinding.

Feels like it's been a crazy busy day today. Tomorrow will hopefully go a lil smoother with it being pay day and my mom coming into town. I actually look forward to her company nowadays.

Today wasn't too too bad. I reported a guy at work. At first I thought he was decent but quickly turned into such a pig. I sat in the same aisle as him cause I was originally sitting beside a girl who ended up getting laid off so I just stuck around since it was quiet. I used to talk to him casually for something to do but then he started getting to be such a weirdo. Why the hell would I lead on some 500lbs man who constantly wears the same pair of sweats day after day?

Anyways I got one of the managers to help me deal with it. He seemed really cool about it, he was the one who hired me. He also told his boss who gave that dude a warning and his boss volunteered his personal cell number for me to call him if that dude should ever make contact with me outside of work or anytime at all. I felt a bit awkward yet surprised yet protected in a way. I was too nervous to ask him for it at the end of my shift since he is a bit intimidating. I think it's his shirts. Inside joke. Anyways, he's hot and I'm afraid I'll drunk dial or drunk text him but am glad to know he's watching my back.

I'm going to try hard to stick with work for a bit. Can't wait till payday to buy some mind numbing substances to get me through the next few weeks. Am trying hard to pay off my credit cards and I guess it is stable work for the winter. They are giving me full time hours which is kind of rare for some of the people on tehe floor so guess I should be thankful of that.

I didn't get that bank job. I feel crushed even though I wasn't sure if I wanted it or was able to handle it. I feel depressed knowing I have to go back to that job I hate. I called the other job that has hired me and haven't gotten back an answer as to whether I can start immediately or not or if I'm even still hired. I feel lost again. I need to find a job I'm going to be proud of at the end of each day. I need a job that's going to make me feel alive. I can't reach my full potential sitting at a desk for minimum wage. I feel even more down today. I have cried but life hasn't paused just for me. I'm gonna get dressed and head to the bookstore. Lose myself for awhile. 

I've been here more often than not as of recently. I guess I'm feeling down. I keep making excuses not to go out. I feel exhausted throughout the whole day. Haven't been out since Thursday. Haven't talked to anybody at all. Been keeping myself company. I make up the excuse that I'll go out tomorrow, am too tired today, it's too cold out, can use a break from people etc etc. Even to take a 3 min walk to 7-11 seems like too much trouble and I find excuses for that. Past while I haven't been able to stop thinking about Evan. I had a werid dream last night, consulted my dream dictionary this morning, says that my dream meant that I have been keeping too many emotions inside and that I desire to free them. I do miss him sexually, but I feel that if I had spent that much time with someone else in a sexual way I'd miss that person too. So telling him of my feelings after he treated me like shit wouldn't amount to anything good.

I'm gonna try to at least attempt to have a shower and fix myself up a bit. Grab a bite to eat and maybe possibly head to the bookstore for awhile. Maybe we'll see.

Been thinking about my answer to why people play mind games. I said how being an unintentional manipulator is never by accident. Now I do kind of understand a bit. Some people will fall in love with you whether you intend them to or not. You mean well but you don't return the love and continue your life the way you want to. Obviously the person who loves you doesn't see it as this, they see you as being neglectful, cruel hearted person. Who then may say you are playing mind games and being thoughtless. There seems to be a really fine line between having your kindness taken the wrong way and someone else's thoughts perceiving more than what was intended. Who's to blame in this situation? The person for continuing to show kindess or the person who fails to accept that it is what it is. Does continuing the friendship make us the unintentional manipulator?

So since I've been sitting here bored I decided to have a smoke to relax me a bit so I can fall asleep watching Family Guy. I'm still shaking as I'm typing this. I went to the other side of the house to have my cigarette and blow the smoke out of the window. I had about 4 puffs and put it out and put it back in my purse making sure it was out. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and turned the light on and the room was clouded with smoke. I opened the door and my cats were going nuts running everywhere. The whole house was filled with a light haze of smoke. I panicked thinking I didn't put out the cigarette enough but it was completely out. I had no idea where the smoke was coming from cause when I was smoking I shut that bedroom door to make sure no smoke got out and left the window open for a few min after I finished to make sure there was no more smoke in that room. I have no idea where all that smoke appeared from within that 2 min and how it can spread so quickly. I opened 2 windows and the smoke disappeared literally in under 3 seconds and my cats calmed down. I have never had my heart beat so fast. That was the freakiest thing to happen to me in awhile. I will never smoke inside the house ever again!

I've been calling in sick to work cause I am livid. I myself do not like using the race card but at work it is blantantly obvious. I've been told time and time again that a person first starting with the company who'd like to apply for the help desk/tech job MUST have worked on the floor as a Sears customer agent before applying. They recently hired 15 people off the street who have never worked with the company before and also took people off the floor that I trained with to work at that job. If you were to step into my work place you'd see on the call centre floor all Nigerians mixed with Aboriginals and Asians. In that training room where people are getting paid higher with more benefits are all white people. I don't mean to gloat but I have helped trained some of those people who have been taken off the floor and put into that position. The people didn't enquire about the job they were automatically offered it and bumped up. I know many of those people are highly unqualified for it. One guy even came to the supervisors desk while I was there and asked the team leader what color "bonded" was when he read it in the description for a shoe.

I put up with that company's crap despite seeing how they run, or not run, the company. Lacking sufficient supervision. Completely unorganized. None of the supervisors are on the same page. Visible lack of management skills in every department. Having agents train other agents, therefore carrying forward mistakes and also doing the job which supervisors should be doing. It's so fucken infuriating. I need to go breath.

I have grown to accept the fact that I may be boring, monotone, too quiet. But when I speak, I speak with conviction and people listen and take me seriously.

What scares me though is how I feel more like myself when I am on drugs. When I smoke pot I am more lucid, more talkative, am me again. Coke gives me the confidence I've always had within but am afraid to show it cause I'm tired of being challenged over things that don't matter or by people who feel threatened by my self assurance. It's easier to be boring but in the process I'm killing myself internally.

I feel the time I died was the summer before I started highschool. When I realized that a lot of so called 'friends" I had dumped me cause they cared too much about what other people thought which has caused me to observe myself a little too closely. You'd think overtime a person would get over that. When your loud and different people will forever try to snuff that and hinder you until you lock yourself up in your mind. Where do I find this key?

Feeling restless again. Saw Ryan today. Didn't say hello of course, I was waiting on the bus and saw him hop on a bus across the street. Also been thinking of Evan. I'm a bit afraid of stepping forward since nothing else will ever be exactly like it was with him. Am also too afraid of it being better and losing it. Being better is something I'm a bit hesitant about since I don't think much else can top that *sigh*

Each time I get along with my mother for even a short while and let her into my life just a bit she overdoes it and pushes herself even further in by either snooping through my things, claiming she's cleaning up. Going through my computer stuff. Dropping by my old job and talking to my co workers and once again dropping by unannounced. I can never seem to escape her, even online. As much as I try to communicate that to her she says she has "a right". Once again I will have to cut off all contact.

Ya know some days I really love Karma. My roommate has been an utter ass past few days. When he came home drunk I didn't notice anything about him. Till I saw him the next morning and saw that he had a nasty nasty black eye. He's been hungover for 2 days now with apparently no recollection of what happened which I doubt. When he first walked in drunk he was cursing and saying "neighbors are assholes". At the time I didn't care what he was saying. I'm anxious to find out which neighbor did the deed. Also on my way out for a walk I found a pack of smokes on the street. Same exact ones he smokes which I think he dropped while he was wasted. I picked them up and gave them to a panhandler

I called in sick. Yay 4 day weekend. Sucks cause I am actually sick but am glad it gives me time to just lay in bed and read some books I've been meaning to catch up on.

One book in particular has helped me a lot past few days. Can't remember the title off hand but it was something about 'pulling your own strings" and taking control of your life. Also explains how there are many people who will try to make you feel guilty of considering yourself before them as it's not convenient for their needs that they should be fulfilling themselves. Since opening my mind up a bit I have really begin to see how shitty some people can be. At work for instance. That supposed "friend" who kept hanging around me, since I started saying no and doing what I wanted despite what she demanded she'd roll her eyes and storm back upstairs to where she's supposed to work. Another girl keeps hounding me to switch her shifts so she can watch some tv show which would mean me splitting up my days off. I of course said no and she also tried to hissy fit but then tried the making me feel guilty tactic. Once again didn't work. I honestly do wish I was more of a bitch and didn't have my heart open so much to other people. Would definatly be easier to tell them to fuck off.

More recently, my roommate is currently throwing a hissy fit. He woke me up at 3am cause he apparently forgot his keys so I had to open the door. He then got pissed cause I went straight back to bed after letting him know I was in the middle of a deep sleep, not feeling good and may ave to work in the morning. He says in a sarcastic tone "ok go to bed, don't worry about me". I woke up this morning to find he peed all over a towel in the bathroom that was on the floor in his drunken stupor. I'm not gonna feed into his childishness so I just took the towel and hung it on his door knob. He's another perosn who expects me to run my life according to his needs which I'm not about to do. when I first moved in I did him a favour of driving his jeep in +30 weather with no air conditioning so he can go pick up his semi which he said would only take 2 hours max. Ended up taking over 7 freakin hours. He thanked me by buying me an iced tea and a sandwich. Since then I've always said no to his requests. He's in his early 30's, if he wants to be babied while he's drunk he should cry to his friends or his gf. Since my opinion doesn't matter to him why should he bother to wake me up in the middle of the night to listen to his problems when any advice I give to him is "meh" which is his response.

I know I'm not taking much control bitching about it on my blog but this lets me vent whereas I wouldn't be as calm to vent outright to him in person. Writing gives me a chance to be calm, rational and gives me a sense of perspective. As much as I love living in the moment and feeling alive with my emotions full swinging, the situation is not always worth the drama that can possibly be created from it. I'm only responsible for my own emotions, not his or anyone else's. I also understand that what I do and what I don't do can also trigger others. Only thing I can do is consider myself and make decisions based on the situation. If it was a best friend at 3am drunk at my door I would sacrifice sleep as they likely have for me. I have also stopped caring so much for strangers and started trying to get back in touch with my family again. even trying to spend more time with my mother as I know that she's not gonna live for another 50 years so I'm trying to let go of my grudges for the time being.